I used to hide myself from the world.
I’d hide my thoughts. Hide my fears. Hide my opinions. But, the one thing that hurt me the most was hiding my feelings. I figured if I stayed the timid, caring, and fully engaged person people knew, maybe they’d love me. Because I didn’t love myself.
The self loathing lasted for a long time. There were moments where I thought that maybe something mentally was off or I was even depressed. But, I pushed those thoughts away faster than I’d like to admit. My extended family has mental health issues and my dad used to tell me how my grandfather was manic depressive. Manic depression is also known as bipolar; I knew I’d never be stung with this. I was normal, I was fine.
Until I wasn’t.
I remember when I was a child having intense mood swings followed by exhaustion. I also found myself full of anxiety even when I was going to see friends or family. Like I said before, I hid myself. Thinking ‘there’s no way anyone would understand this.’ In a way I was right, yet it was because no one knew. When I was 19, I had my first panic attack, I thought I was dying or having a heart attack. It wasn’t until I was given some medication to alleviate the symptoms that I realized panic attacks were a thing and other people had them. I wasn’t alone!
At 22, I was told I’m bipolar. I had finally been given the disease I was running away from forever. I was in denial, scared, and angry. I was going to have this disease forever. I was going to have to take meds forever. However, in time, being diagnosed as bipolar actually saved my life. I learned my random spouts of creative energy and need to rest were parts of this illness. Many famous people whom I admire like Vincent Van Gogh and Abraham Lincoln are said to have it.
Life had more exciting plans and I moved to Lake County eight years ago. Ever since I moved here, I promised myself, I wouldn’t hide anymore. I’d show myself completely even if I wasn’t happy. Showing myself turned my life upside down. I began attracting amazing people, my heart felt lighter, and my confidence improved. My self esteem improved immensely and I began to tap into my creativity again. Since I was a child, I’ve wanted to be a writer. Something about sitting at a desk and having stories come out of my head seemed ideal. Story ideas flow through my body like breathing and I felt a big push to begin again.
So, I did. I took classes at the Middletown Art Center, I met other writers, and for the first time I began to call myself one. Eventually, I came out with my 1st novel, ‘Clean Up on Aisle Three.’ The story follows Lucy McBride, a teenage girl, who has bipolar disorder and trauma. Lucy’s thoughts and way she shows herself to the world is identical to me. I’ve gotten a lot of questions over the years if Lucy is inspired by me. The answer to that is, yes, absolutely. I put my whole heart into her. Prior to the book, I had never told anyone about the days where I don’t shower, don’t want to be around people, or isolate. I showed the side of me that’s outgoing, empathetic, and fully engaged. However, most people don’t realize both of those sides of me can exist together.
As May comes to an end and it being Mental Health Awareness Month, I’m reminded of how we’re not alone. It’s okay if you’re not okay. Not every day has to be sunshine and rainbows; sometimes your day can really suck. However, you’re never alone. People love and care about you. Your brain is lying to you and you’re worth infinitely more than anything you feel.
Locally, you can call Lake County Behavioral Health’s crisis line at 800-900-2075 if you need someone to help. There’s also plenty of Suicide Prevention Services available:
- North Bay Suicide Prevention Hotline of Lake County
Phone: 855-587-6373 - National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Phone: 800-273-TALK (8255) - Call. Text. Chat. 988 – Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
Take care of yourself first. You deserve a beautiful life. Always.
