This journey starts with a pair of purple gloves. Not regular purple gloves for the snow or something. I’m talking about the ones which go up your arms to clean up dishes. The ones where you look like you have octopus arms and smell like burnt noodles. I could talk about them for hours and my disdain towards them, but we’re not talking about dumb household supplies.
I’m telling you a story.
An important one.
The whole mess started two hours ago. I was working at the deli down the street from my house, yet I dreaded going in with my three-minute drive. They let me know I wasn’t cutting the bread well enough, so I got fired. I had hit rock bottom, no longer selling avocado for a dollar extra on turkey sandwiches. I wanted a change.
I came home, tears welling in my eyes, and my nose dripping with snot. I said to my boyfriend, Max, “Hi baby, are you home?”
The only sound I could hear was my dog, Roddenberry barking through our bedroom.
Through the door, Max says, “Shh, I don’t want daddy to know I’m home. Don’t break my cover. I’ll give you extra treats later.”
I swung open the door. Max was in bed with Ty, our neighbor.
Wearing his signature amethyst necklace and blue eyes flashing at me, Ty, panicked. “Uhh, hi, James. We…uh…have been waiting for you!”
Max grabs onto his train of thought, “Yeah, sweetheart, we’re happy you’re home.” His eyes were darting around the room, hoping for me to believe them.
I didn’t.
Max and I had never even brought up the idea of having an open relationship. I wouldn’t have said no, however, this is a crappy way to find out. The worst part: I knew this would eventually happen, so seeing it with my own eyes stung like a fresh sunburn.
Grabbing their pants and any other clothes I could find, I screamed, “Get the fuck out of here! I don’t want to see either one of you ever again!”
Roddenberry barked at them, in my defense.
“Good dog. Keep the assholes away. We don’t need them.” I whispered.
The pair ran out of the house. Max took my heart with him. All I wanted was a distraction, a way out of my despair. I mean what loser gets fired from a deli?
As lame as it sounds, cleaning is sometimes the only thing to pull me out of negativity. Being able to see something tangible, like my hard work and time wasn’t wasted. I filled the sink with the orange dish soap and warm water. The citrus scent flooded my senses with joy and the steam fogged up my glasses. The haze was a nice distraction to my eyes who only wanted to cry. I wanted to run away, ideally to somewhere no one knows me. Blend in a crowd of people, be a stranger.
I couldn’t move immediately, so I decided to clean. Max infamously hated cleaning dishes, saying “I’d rather take out the garbage.” (he didn’t do that either) The plates and mugs were piled way too high. I knew I had to use my purple gloves.
This was serious business.
Eventually, I finished them and decided I wanted a treat. Grabbing my car keys and Roddenberry, we made our way to the store to get some ice cream.
While blasting my Glitter Tooth playlist and beginning to feel like myself again, my gas light turned on. Annoyed by the fact I didn’t notice my empty tank earlier, I pulled over to fill up.
I stepped out of the car and noticed the purple glove was still on my left hand.
I go to take it off, but before I can a woman runs up to me. Curly, red hair framed her face and pink lipstick on her teeth. “SALVATORE!!!!! YOU MADE IT SAFELY!!!!”
She tackles me into a bear hug and I pull away. “Uhh, hi. I’m not Salvatore or even Italian… I think you have me confused for someone else.”
She laughed, “The Creator told me you’d say something like when we finally reunited. He told me you’d have to use jokes to blend in as a human.”
Roddenberry barks at her, asserting his obedience towards me. I’m hoping it snaps her out of thinking I’m Salvatore or whatever.
She gasped looking at Roddenberry, “You even have Samantha with you!!! Let me buy you some coffee. It’s delicious when you add enough creamer and sugar to it! Have you had it before?”
I chuckled, “Yes, of course. Coffee is one of the greatest things about life.”
She shoves my arm, “You’re so right. Finish filling your human vehicle. I’ll be waiting for you at the café across the way. We have much to discuss about the Michael J. Fox’s.”
A part of me wanted to laugh. Isn’t he the guy from Back to the Future? Thinking I have nothing better to do, I wonder what the worst could happen? She must be lonely and need someone to talk to. If I’m being honest with myself, I did, too.
#
I’m sitting here now: the smell of iced vanilla coffee lingering in my nose, attempting to be fully engaged in conversation about her planet, Kisnow. Kisnow has been claimed by some evil monsters, the Michael J. Fox’s, who want to assimilate the entire planet. Wipe out everyone who doesn’t believe in their goals: follow without complaint and respect without thought.
I ask her for clarification. “Following and respecting leaders is usually the end goal for most governments. Especially here on Earth. You should see the president here. What makes the Michael J. Fox’s unique? ”
She laughs, “Have you been gone so long you don’t remember, my love?”
My mouth trembles in wanting to respond. My love? Is the pride flag on my arm proof of how gay I am? Roddenberry even has a rainbow collar on.
She continues, “We’re being forced to only wear orange these days, sweetheart. Every Monday morning, we’re required to sign an agreement to follow for the following week.”
Her eyes swell with tears. A part of me wants to squeeze her hand. I think better of it since she’s already called me her love. Any kind of physical contact will definitely send the wrong message.
“I’m so sorry… What’s your name again? I don’t think you told me.”
She whispers, “My human name is Karen, but baby, you know my real name.”
My stomach begins to get in knots. I can’t keep up this charade. My hands squeeze into fists. Sweat reaches my palms.
“I…don’t know… you. I…don’t…even know your…real name. I’m James Lauderdale from Earth. You have me confused with someone else.”
Her eyes fill up with tears. I fully expect her to break down completely. I was heartbroken today, too, so I may join her.
She sniffles and grabs my hands. “You don’t remember this?”
With her skin touching mine, the once sunlit cafe with dogs and talkative ladies, has transformed my vision fully immersed in a purple sky. I’m sitting on a bench while some kind of creatures with yellow and lime green skin pass me while tipping their fedoras. They dip their heads at me and say hello.
I wave back, “Hello! Have a great day.”
“You, too, King.” one of them says back. It almost looks like their skin is blushing. Their blood isn’t red, but for whatever reason, they look embarrassed.
King? Who’s he? I also notice I’m not speaking English. I also notice my skin, it’s not even close to being human.
Karen from a few seconds ago, walks towards me. She’s in her human form, but slowly, her skin turns teal. Her human hair once red has completely faded away. Instead, now, she dons shoulder length blonde hair.
She smiles, her gap tooth in full view, “Are you remembering now, my love?”
I get distracted by a little girl whispering to her mom, “Is that really him? He looks nothing like the coins…”
The mom shushes her, “Emma, you can’t speak badly about the king. We always have to respect him.”
I tell Karen to hold on and respond to the little girl instead.
I clear my throat, “Don’t worry, Emma. You can show me. Do you have one of the coins with you?”
Emma walks towards me with open arms. Her mom apologizes, “Sorry, sire. She’s a fearless little girl. She didn’t mean to offend you.”
Emma says, “But, mom…”
I laugh, “It’s okay. Let me see.”
She digs through her dress pocket and hands me a piece of gold. Or what I assume to be.
When putting it in my hand, I notice her’s is shaking. “Here, you go, King Boris. I’m sorry…”
I look at the coin. I see a colored picture of a man whom I’m assuming is Boris. The curved, awkward smile is identical to mine. My same smile when someone says a joke I don’t find funny or gives me a present I don’t like. Additionally, the brown eyes of this man are eerily familiar. What’s going on?
Am I Boris?
Is Boris me?
Emma smiles, “See. You look silly.”
I can’t help but agree with her, “You’re right, Emma. I do look silly. Can I keep the coin from you? I’ll owe you one.”
She beams at me, “Of course, King. You can have it, but you owe me.”
Emma grabs her mom’s hand and skips away. A part of me longs to follow after her, however I don’t understand the yearning. I hate kids.
Karen shakes her hand, “You’ve always been a sucker for children. Is any of this coming back to you now, King?”
“No, not even close. What did you put in my latte? I don’t do LSD anymore, drugs were for my college days. Take me back. Now.”
I start to get angry. I feel veins in my alien neck pop out. My heart beats way too fast. Rage reaches to my feet.
Karen notices and grabs my hand again.
We’re back at the coffee shop. Rodenberry is asleep under the table and enjoying the sun. Karen is back in her human form.
Earth doesn’t feel the same.
I don’t feel the same.
I catch my breath, “What the actual fuck? Where’d you take me?”
She takes a gulp of her coffee, “I took you home, my King. Now, let’s go take Kisnow back. Once and for all.”
I hear Cher blasting through a car stereo. I know for sure it’s Max and Ty. Gross.
Roddenberry barks at them. Max squeals through the window. “Hi, my little boy! Dad misses you. Oh, hi, James! Dating women now I see?”
Karen snaps her fingers and Max turns into a snake. His true form.
Ty screams, He points at Karen, “Witch!!!! How could you? He was my boyfriend!!!!”
I scream back, “Boyfriend? Really? For how long?”
Karen pulls me to face her, “Stop wasting your time on Earthlings. Grab Roddenberry, we’re out of here.”
I put him in my arms and squeezed her hand.
For the last time.
Time to be King.
